| |
HEADSTONE STORIES
Harry Edsel Smith of Albany. New York
Born 1903 - died 1942 Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down - it was!
In a Thurmont. Maryland cemetery
Here lies an atheist - all dressed up and nowhere to go.
In a Ruidso. New Mexico cemetery
Here lies Johnny Yeast - pardon me for not rising.
In a Uniontown. Pennsylvania cemetery
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake - stepped on the gas instead of the brake. In a Silver City. Nevada cemetery Here lies The Kid - we planted him raw He was quick on the trigger but slow on the draw.
A lawyer’s epitaph in England
Sir John Strange - here lies an honest lawyer - and that is strange. | 
by ChristArt.com
|
John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne. England cemetery Reader, if cash thou art in want of any, dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny.
In a cemetery in Hartscombe. England
On the 22nd June Jonathan Fiddle went out of tune.
Anna Hopewells grave in Enosburo Falls. Vermont Here lies the body of our Anna - done to death by a banana It wasn't the fruit that laid her low but the skin of the thing that made her go.
On a grave from the 1880's in Nantucket. Massachusetts
Under the sod and under the trees lies the body of Jonathan Pease He is not here, there's only the pod - Peas shelled out and went to God. | | | | Back to top | | | | | | | THOUGHT FOR THE DAY Don’t let your worries get the better of you. Remember, Moses started out as a basket case.
Some people are kind and sweet-spirited - until you try and sit in their pew.
Many people want to serve God - but only as advisors.
It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one. |  |
| | | |
The good Lord didn’t create anything without a purpose - but mosquitoes come close.
When you get to your wits end you will find that God lives there.
People are funny - they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road and the back of the church.
Opportunity may knock once but temptation bangs on your front door forever.
Quit griping about your church - if it was perfect you couldn’t belong.
Some minds are like concrete - thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.
The phrase that is guaranteed to wake up a congregation: “And in conclusion……………”
If the church wants a better pastor it only needs pray for the one it has.
I don’t know why some people change churches - what difference does it make which on you stay away from?
| | Back to top | | | | | | | CHURCH BULLETINS Believe it or not, the following announcements actually appeared in various church bulletins - not CCR's ones!!: | 1. Don't let worry kill you - let the church help. 2. Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow. 3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. 4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. |  | 5. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer. 6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends. 7. Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early. 8. Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor. 9. Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. AIl ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the
Pastor in his study. 10. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the alter. 11. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in. 12. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new
carpet will come forward and do so. 13. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday. 14. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. 15. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice. 16. The Rector will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing "Break forth into Joy". 17. Irving and Jessie Carter were married on October 24th in the Church. So ends a friendship that began in their schooldays. 18. Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several members, and to the deterioration of some older ones.
19. Place your donation in the envelope, along with the deceased person you want remembered.
20. The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
21. This evening at 7 p.m. there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
22. The Fasting and Prayer Conference includes meals.
23. Ladies: don't forget the rummage sale - it's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house - bring your husbands.
24. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.
25. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get. |
| | Back to top | | | | | | | SUNDAY SCHOOL QUOTES Heard from kids at Sunday School (not ours!): | | | | Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day and ball of fire by night.
A Christian should only have one wife. This is called monotony.
Sampson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles.
Unleavened bread is bread made without any ingredients.
Moses went to the top of Mt. Cyanide to get the ten commandments.
The seventh commandment is "Thou shalt not admit adultery."
Solomon had 300 wives & 700 Porcupines.
Mary had an immaculate contraption.
Epistles were the wives of the Apostles.
Matthew was one of the Opossums.
The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels. | 
by ChristArt.com |
| | | | | | Back to top | | | | | | | |
Does the following remind anyone of church committees?:
This is a story about four people, named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.
There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realised that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody, when Nobody did what Anybody could have. | | Back to top | | | | | | | | 
| | | | | | Back to top | | | | | | | THE SENILITY PRAYER
God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference... | 
by ChristArt.com
|
| | | | | | Back to top | | | | | | | PSALM 23 
| | | | | | Back to top | | | | | | | DEAR GOD...from the kids! Dear God, Please put another holiday between Christmas and Easter. There is nothing good in here now. Amanda Dear God, Thank you for the baby brother but what I asked for was a puppy. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. Joyce
Dear Mr God, I wish you would not make it so easy for people to come apart. I had to have 3 stitches and a shot. Janet
 God, I read the bible. What does beget mean? Nobody will tell me. Love Alison
Dear God, How did you know you were God? Who told you? Charlene Dear God, Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his golf words in the house? Anita
Dear God, I bet it's very hard for you to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. Nancy Dear God, I like the story about Noah the best of all of them. You really made up some good ones. I like walking on water, too. Glenn
Dear God, My Grandpa says you were around when he was a little boy. How far back do you go? Love, Dennis Dear God, Do you draw the lines around the countries? If you don't, who does? Nathan
Dear God, Did you mean for giraffes to look like that or was it an accident? Norma Dear God, In bible times, did they really talk that fancy? Jennifer
Dear God, How come you did all those miracles in the old days and don't do any now? Billy Dear God, Please send Dennis Clark to a different summer camp this year. Peter
Dear God, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they each had their own rooms. It works out OK with me and my brother. Larry Dear God, I keep waiting for spring, but it never did come yet. What's up? Don't forget. Mark
Dear God, My brother told me about how you are born but it just doesn't sound right. What do you say? Marsha Dear God, If you watch in Church on Sunday I will show you my new shoes. Barbara
Dear God, Is Reverend Coe a friend of yours, or do you just know him through the business? Donny Dear God, I do not think anybody could be a better God thank you. Well, I just want you to know that. I am not just saying that because you are already God. Charles
Dear God, It is great the way you always get the stars in the right place. Why can't you do that with the moon? Jeff Dear God, I am doing the best I can. Really !!!! Frank
Dear God, I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday night. That was really cool. Thomas | | Back to top | | | | | | | CHURCH SIGN SAYINGS | | | | | | | | Give God what's right - not what's left. Man's way leads to a hopeless end - God's way leads to endless hope. A lot of kneeling will keep you in good standing. He who kneels before God can stand before anyone. | 
by ChristArt.com
|
| Are you wrinkled with burden? Come to the church for a face lift. | | | | | | | We don't change God's message - his message changes us. He who angers you controls you. Planning to go to Heaven? Get your flight training here. You aren't too bad to come in. You aren't good enough to stay out. The wages of sin is death. Repent before payday. | 
by ChristArt.com
| |
| | | | | | Back to top | | | | | | | A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17." The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only 16 chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying." | 
by ChristArt.com
|
| | | | | | Back to top | | | | | | | NOAH'S ARK 
"The Woodpeckers have to go!!!"
Everything I need to know about life, I learned from Noah's Ark:
One: Don't miss the boat.
Two: Remember that we are all in the same boat.
Three: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.
Four: Stay fit When you're 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.
Five: Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.
Six: Build your future on high ground.
Seven: For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
Eight: Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.
Nine: When you're stressed, float a while.
Ten: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.
Eleven: No matter the storm, when you are with God, there's always a rainbow waiting.
| | | | | | | | | | Back to top | | | | | | | SHORT THOUGHTS God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts. Dear God, I have a problem, it's me. God answers knee-mail. The Lord loves a cheerful giver. He also accepts from a grouch. Growing old is inevitable. Growing UP is optional. There is no key to happiness. The door is always open. Do the maths - count your blessings. Faith is the ability to not panic.
| 
by ChristArt.com
| |
As a child of God, prayer is kind of like calling home everyday. Blessed are the flexible for they shall not be bent out of shape. Laugh every day, it's like inner jogging. A grudge is a heavy thing to carry. Don't gripe about your church; if it was perfect, you couldn't be a member. If God is your co-pilot, switch seats with Him!
|
by ChristArt.com
|
If you worry, you didn't pray. If you pray, don't worry. If you are headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns. Proverbs are short sentences drawn from long experience. Put your creed in your deed. Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left. A cemetery should not really blame the cost of living, if it increases its charges! People are funny. They want the front of the bus, middle of the road, and the back of the church. When we get tangled up in our problems, be still. God wants us to be still so He can untangle the knot.
| 
by ChristArt.com
|
|
| | | | | | Back to top | | | | | | | TELEVISION On the table side by side, the Holy Bible and the T.V. Guide.
One is well worn but cherished with pride; not the Bible, the T.V. Guide.
One is used daily to help them decide; no, it isn't the Bible, it's the T.V. Guide.
As pages are turned, what shall we see? It doesn't matter, turn on the T.V.
Confusion reigns; they can't all agree on what they should watch on the old T.V.
So, they open the book in which they confide; no, not the Bible, the T.V. Guide.
The Word of God is seldom read, maybe a verse as they fall into bed.
Exhausted and sleepy, and as tired as can be, not from reading the Bible, but from watching T.V.
So then back to the table, side by side, the Holy Bible and the T.V. Guide.
No time for prayer, no time for the Word; the plan of salvation is seldom heard.
Yet, forgiveness of sins, so full and so free, is found in the Bible, not on T.V. | 
by ChristArt.com
|
| | | | | | Back to top | | | | | | | | | | | | | Back to top | | | | | | | | SIGN OF THE TIMES A five year old was discussing Noah's Ark with Grandma.
Grandma asked, "How many animals went into the Ark?"
The youngster replied: "One mail and one e-mail." | 
by ChristArt.com
|
| | | | | | Back to top | | | | | | | AGE OF INNOCENCE A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago."
"Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too?"
"Yes, indeed honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago."
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he?" | | | | | | Back to top | | | | | | | SEEING THINGS A nearsighted minister glanced at the note that Mrs. Jones had sent to him by way of an usher. The note read: "Bill Jones having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety."
Failing to observe the punctuation, the clergyman startled his audience by announcing: "Bill Jones, having gone to see his wife, desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety." | 
|
| | | | | | Back to top | | | | | | | OLD BUT WISE A new minister was talking to the oldest member of his congregation.
"I am 90 years old, sir, and I haven't an enemy in the world," said the aged one.
"That is a beautiful thought," said the clergyman approvingly.
"Yes sir," was the answer. "I'm thankful to say that I've outlived them all." |  |
| | | | | | Back to top | | | | | | | GENEROSITY A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits on the couch, he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table.
"Mind if I have a few?" he asks.
"No not at all," the woman replied.
They chat for an hour and as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl.
"I'm totally sorry for eating all your peanuts, I really meant to just have a few."
"Oh that's all right," the woman says. "Ever since I lost my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off them!" | | | | | | Back to top | | | | | | | SUNDAY SCHOOL CLASSICS "Just think, children," said the missionary, "in Africa there are six million square miles where little boys and girls have no Sunday School. Now, what should we all strive to save money for?"
"To go to Africa!", replied the children in unison.
A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."
A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?"
"No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms?"
A Sunday school teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?
A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.
"Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked.
"You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "
A Sunday school teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible, Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the verse. Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. Then came the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation. When it was his turn, Rick stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."
A Sunday school teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, "My Mummy looked back once while she was driving," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honour thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
The Sunday school teacher asks, "Now, Billy, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
"No sir," Billy replies, "I don't have to. My Mom is a good cook." | | | | | | Back to top | | | | | | | THE TRUTH PREVAILS! "Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.
"Yes, Sir." the new recruit replied.
"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you." | 
by ChristArt.com
|
| | | | | | Back to top | | | | | DRIVE CAREFULLY!
Drive carefully! Remember, it's not only a car that can be recalled by it's maker.
However, if you MUST speed on a motorway, sing these hymns loudly: at 45 mph.... "God Will Take Care of Me"
at 55 mph.... "Guide me, O Great Jehovah"
at 65 mph.... "Nearer My God to Thee"
at 75 mph.... "Nearer Still Nearer"
at 85 mph.... "This World is Not My Home"
at 95 mph.... "Lord, I'm Coming Home"
at 100 mph.... "Precious Memories" |  |
| | | | | Back to top | | | | | | | SERMON ON THE COUNT Overheard during a particular long sermon, "If we give him the money now, Mommy, will he let us go?" | | | | | | Back to top | | | | | | | | | | | | | Back to top | | | | | | | YOUNG BUT WISE A group of children were lined up in a school cafeteria for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The R.E. teacher made a note, "Take only one, God is watching."
Moving through the line, to the other end of the table, was a large plate of biscuits. One of the boys wrote a note, "Take all you want, God is watching the apples." | 
by ChristArt.com
|
|
| | | | | | | | | | | | After the church service a little boy told the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money." "Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "But why?" "Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had." | | | | | | | | | | | | | A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon. "How do you know what to say?" he asked. "Why, God tells me." "Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?" |  |
| | | | | | | | | | | | A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?" "Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer." | | | | | | | | | | | | A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died and went to Heaven," the dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?" |  |
| | | | | | Back to top | | | | | | | PREACHING 2 FOR 1 A minister selected a 50-cent item at a local convenience shop but then discovered he didn't have any money with him.
"I could invite you to hear me preach in return," he said jokingly to the clerk, "but I'm afraid I don't have any fifty-cent sermons."
"Perhaps," suggested the clerk, "I could come twice." | | | | | | Back to top | | | | | | | OPTIMISM v's PESSIMISMThe optimist says, "My cup runneth over, what a blessing." The pessimist says, "My cup runneth over, what a mess." | 
by ChristArt.com
| |
| | | | | | Back to top | | | | | | | MONEY TALKS The minister said, "Today I've prepared a €10 sermon on fire and brimstone that will take me about an hour and half to deliver. I've also prepared a €50 sermon on the evils of sin that will take about 45 minutes to give. Finally, I've got a 10 minute €100 sermon on love and generosity. We'll take the collection at this time to see which one you'll vote for." | 
by ChristArt.com
|
| | | | | | Back to top | | | | | | | ATTENDANCE The preacher was growing concerned about sparse attendance, so he published this item in the church bulletin:
This . . . is . . . the . . . way . . . the . . . church . . . sometimes . . . looks . . . to . . . the . . . preacher . . . when . . . he . . . goes . . . into . . . the . . . pulpit.
Itwouldlooklikethisifeverybodybroughtsomebodyelsetochurch. | | | | | | Back to top | | | | | | | SANTA CLAUS STAGES There are 4 Santa Claus stages:
1) When you believe in Santa.
2) When you don't believe in Santa.
3) When you are Santa.
4) When you look like Santa. | 
by ChristArt.com |
| | | | | | Back to top | | | | | TWO KINDS OF PEOPLE... There are only two kinds of people in the world: 1) Those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord,"; and 2) Those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning." |  |
| | | | | Back to top | | | | | | | FUNDRAISING There is the story of a minister who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets." | | | | | | Back to top | | | | | | | GREEN PASTURES Youth is when we are always hunting greener pastures. Middle age is when we can barely mow the one we've got. |  |
| | | | | Back to top | | | | | STRONGMAN The following is from an article by Ron Ferguson, entitled "A Merry Heart" which was printed in the Church of Scotland magazine "Life and Work" - it looks at the relationship between church and humour. | | | | | | | | The strongman at a a circus squeezed the juice from a lemon between his hands. He then said to the audience "I will offer £200 to anyone who can squeeze another drop from this lemon." A thin, scholarly looking woman came forward, picked up the lemon, strained hard and managed to get a drop. The strongman was amazed. He paid the woman and asked "What is the secret of your strength?" "Practice", she answered. "I'm the treasurer of a Church of Scotland congregation!". Most church treasurers will be nodding in recognition at this point! |  |
| | | | Back to top | | | | | MISCHIEVOUS BROTHERS | | | | | Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous. They are always getting into trouble and their parents know all about it. If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved. The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but he asked to see them individually. So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon. The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?" The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!" Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God?!" The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. | | 
| | | | | When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "what happened?" The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time dude. GOD is missing, and they think we did it! Author Unknown |
|
| | | | | Back to top | | | | | CANINE GRACE | | | | | 
by ChristArt.com
| | | | | Back to top | | | | | | WHY GOD MADE PETS | | | | | | | | | They look out for the smaller ones... | They show us how to relax... | | | | 
| 
| | | | | | | | They protect our children... | They 'converse' with each other... | | | | 
| 
| | | | | | | | They help you when you're down... | They help out around the house... | | | | 
| 
| | | | | | | | They help decorate at Halloween... | They have 'great' expectations... | | | | 
| 
| | | | | | | They are happy to 'test' the water...
| They love their 'teddies'... | 
| 
| | | | | | | ...and they know when we need a good LAUGH! | | | | | | | | | "But ask the animals, and they will teach you,
or the birds of the air, and they will tell you..."
Job 12:7 (NIV) |
| | | | | 
Back to top | | | | | Christ Church Rathgar are not responsible for the content of external websites, nor do they necessarily endorse their sponsoring organizations. | | | Copyright © 2005 onwards - Christ Church Rathgar | 
contact
| Christ Church Rathgar, Rathgar, Dublin 6, Ireland. | |
| | | |
|
